How can I download “Dream Catcher”?
Remember Monster-in-Law, the 2005 “comedy” starring Jennifer Lopez and the guy from Alias? For those of you that didn’t see it (i.e. all of you), let me quickly summarize the plot.
Our heroine meets this super hunky dude. He’s everything she could ever want: rich, loving, down to fuck after a Def Leppard show. He finds her wacky new-age rituals endearing, and he always keeps his sense of humor when administering her weekly filtered-water enema. They marry. They have children. And just when things are at their height, his crazy mom shows up to the bar and starts telling all her friends about how she drove him into an affair.
Okay, so I never saw Monster-in-Law. But I did see last night’s episode of The Real Housebrokens of Orange County, and it was basically the same thing: boy meets girl, boy marries girl, mom drives girl deeper and deeper into madness.
But let’s have our appetizers before our entrée.
Obviously everyone is still on the mend after The Glamis Dune Disaster®. The women are counting blessings and working on themselves emotionally, mentally, and physically. Tamra has postponed her pageant (a whole month!), Kelly is working on distancing herself from #Cuntgate, and Vicki is trawling the internet for dick.
Yes, “the accident” really put things in perspective. Are we really mad at each other over a few four-letter words? We could have died out there in the desert! What would it matter then who called who “dumbfuck”? With that in mind, everyone shows up to Shannon’s house to help her pack for a move that is by now mere days away. Kelly apologizes to Shannon for calling her a cunt. Meghan apologizes to Tamra for saying she was reckless on the go-kart. Tamra apologizes back. She shouldn’t have told Meghan to go to hell. It was un-Christian-like. Then they all get to work, laughing and bonding over Shannon’s ugly shoes.
Kumbaya, my wives. Kumbaya.
Well, almost. Vicki and Shannon still can’t seem to get right back to where they started from. But Shannon did leave that “glad you’re not dead” voicemail, which is progress even if Vicki didn’t call her back. It’s something.
Meanwhile, the OG (original grandma) of the OC is on the prowl. Sure, she has plenty of casual flings (I’ve termed them “Vicki’s Boyz”), but it’s real love she wants. A soul mate. So, naturally, she is considering online dating. She spends most of Briana’s birthday dinner talking about how horny she is and brainstorming about how her profile might look, using words like “low maintenance,” drama-free,” and “down-to-earth.” Nev and Max better clear their calendars, because whoever swipes right on that profile is in for a rude awakening.
Did anyone else notice how, aside from the suffocating egoism of her mother, Briana’s birthday dinner was totally normal? She just wants to get everyone together for margs at Chi-Chi’s while her mother fills the pool of the Merv Griffin Estate with swans. Let’s all cheers to Briana’s refreshing normalcy. It is truly a miracle.
This week’s main event is brought to you by Donna Beador, an emotional vampire who is also the mother of David. The Beador girls, cherubs that they are, play in an all-girl power-pop trio called LOCK, which stands for “ladies of rock.” LOCK is probably the most musically talented act to ever appear on a Bravo screen. (I will hear arguments in favor of Kandi Burrus or Erika Jayne, no others.) Shannon, who is a
freaky stage mom supportive, nurturing caregiver, invited everyone except Vicki out to The Blue Beet to come and see them play.
Enter Donna Beador. Apparently she was with her daughter, David’s sister, but my brain couldn’t register anything but the looming shadow of the woman pulling each of Shannon’s friends aside to talk shit.
After the most basic of introductions (“I’m David’s mom”), Donna tells Kelly that she and Shannon have never gotten along, that Shannon hates her guts. When Kelly tries her best to stick up for Shannon (it should be noted that her best is not very good), Donna moves on to Tamra, in search of a more sympathetic ear.
“I never get to see the girls,” Donna says, her eyes brimming with tears. “Shannon keeps them away from me.” Tamra nods. Donna goes on. “He’s a good man, my son. He made one mistake—and she pushed him to it.”
What exactly is Donna trying to do? Is she seeking out the cameras in an effort to tell her side of a one-sided story? Is she trying to ruin Shannon’s night? Is she just a fucking bitch? Shannon says that Donna is upset because David paid his mother less attention after he got married. But after this Most Dramatic Extra in a Bravo TV Performance bit, it is not so hard to see why.
We’ll probably never know the full extent of the Beador family dynamics (unfortunately). Surely there’s years of cloudy history under the surface. But any questions we might have had about Donna’s intentions are answered as soon as she brings up her son’s affair at an event that is supposed to be about celebrating her granddaughters. Most grandmothers show up to things like this taking pictures and handing out twenties: Donna came to fight. Because son or not, what kind of woman would insinuate that something another woman did or did not do caused a man to cheat? A wife doesn’t push her husband into an affair: a husband pushes his dick into someone else.
But by now, Shannon’s used to it. So maybe she lost her temper, briefly misdirecting some of her anger at David, who handles the whole thing like a loving, devoted husband and not an obedient son. But she won’t be throwing any drinks tonight. She won’t be storming the streets. After all, what’s the point? As she looks around the limo on the way home, snuggled up tight with her husband and the Ladies of Rock, she knows she’s already won.